


Only Because It Rhymed

by andonewillbringhisfall



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 06:31:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15067211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andonewillbringhisfall/pseuds/andonewillbringhisfall
Summary: Simon casts a spell on Baz that forces him to rhyme everything he says. Baz makes a lot of threats and Simon has to figure out how to undo the spell.





	Only Because It Rhymed

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a crack fic and somehow turned really fluffy. I had SO much fun writing it, so whoever's reading it, I really hope it brightens your day.

**SIMON**

Baz is going to kill me.

Not that this is news. He was always going to try. He _has_ tried, at least three times, and that’s only the ones I know about. But right now he looks like he would throttle me without a second’s hesitation, if only it weren’t for the Anathema.

I can’t help it, though. I’m sitting on the end of my bed, looking up at him and trying not to laugh. I’m not doing a very good job, judging by the look on his face. His mouth is pulled in a thin line and his eyes are narrowed almost to slits.

He finally works out his next line and stalks over so he can stand over me, glowering as he says it.

‘Snow, the longer you leave me under this spell, the worse it’ll be when I make your life hell.’

I snicker. _I know_. I know I’m just making it worse by laughing at him, but I figure he can’t hate me more than he already did anyway, so I might as well enjoy this.

‘The Anathema won’t stop me from throwing you in the moat, and if the merwolves don’t finish you I’ll feed you to the goats.’

I finally have the upper hand, and it feels good.

Baz starts pacing around the room, grimacing, throwing dark looks my way every few seconds. I think he’s brainstorming.

‘If you tell me now how to make the spell give, I may consider letting you live,’ he says.

I’m grinning madly and I know it. ‘You’re not nearly as threatening as you want to be.’

He glares at me. ‘Well, if you don’t remove this curse quite soon, you’ll find yourself changing your tune.’

He’s right, and I know it. He’s going to concoct some grand plot in revenge for this and I’m going to pay the price – he probably knows some dark magic and I know he’s not afraid to seriously hurt me – but right now I’m having too much fun to care. Plus, I’m not sure how to tell him that I don’t know how to reverse the spell.

It’s his own fault, though, for goading me in our room. He knew I was frustrated with the Minotaur’s homework, and I know he overheard me telling Penny earlier that I’m getting antsy because I haven’t heard from the Mage in ages, and to top it all off a new magickal hole opened in Canterbury the other week. So of course instead of backing off because I had enough on my plate, he chose today to stay in the room as I tried to practice spells, making commentary every time I fucked up. He knows I can’t hurt him in our room, with magic or with my fists, otherwise I would have broken his nose long before it came to this.

Instead, the only thing I could do to retaliate was to cast a spell on him that wouldn’t hurt him. And since Penny had told me about **rhyme for all time** just last week, that was the first thing that came into my head.

Turns out watching Baz have to rhyme everything he says is a great way to diffuse. I haven’t felt this relaxed in weeks.

Too bad Baz doesn’t seem to feel the same way.

‘I’m sure this is all quite entertaining,’ he says, sneering. ‘But when it’s all over, we’ll see who’s the one complaining.’

I grin. ‘That one was weak, Baz.’

‘Watch your back when you leave this room, you completely incompetent, useless buffoon.’

‘That didn’t even rhyme,’ I protest.

Baz sighs loudly and practically stomps to his desk chair. He’s still glaring when he sits down.

‘Are you going to cast the counter-spell or not? Keep putting it off and in hell you will rot.’

I shrug at him. ‘Better. You’re getting good at this.’

He narrows his eyes. ‘Don’t tell me you don’t know how to undo it. Though I can’t say I’m surprised if you blew it.’

‘You know, maybe I’d feel more like helping you if you stopped insulting me.’

He pauses to think about his response then leans forward with a challenge in his gaze. ‘Yes, Snow, that may be true, but I bet you don’t even know what to do.’

I fold my arms. ‘If you think you can trick me into undoing the spell just to prove you wrong, you’re wrong. I’m having too much fun.’

He stands up and stalks back in my direction. I try not to flinch back.

‘You’ve had your fun, but if you don’t know the words, you’d better work out how to undo the curse.’

‘Okay, fine,’ I say, holding my hands up. ‘I admit it. I don’t know the counter-spell. I’ve never used it before and I didn’t even know if it would work.’

Baz sighs. ‘That’s disappointing but not at all surprising to hear. I know there’s nothing between your ears.’

‘Fuck you,’ I say, because even when he’s rhyming Baz is wittier than I am.

‘Well, where did you get the spell from, you idiot? That’s the first way we’re going to solve it.’

‘ _We_?’ I ask, jutting out my chin. ‘You know, I could just leave you stuck like this and make you solve it yourself. It would serve you right for being a prick.’

‘You’re the one who started this mess. So you’d better fix it, or else.’

I huff. ‘I started it, but it’s your problem. You’ve made it pretty clear we don’t help each other. Or even act civilised to each other.’

He rolls his eyes. ‘You can calm down, Snow. I only said it because it rhymed, you know.’

‘Uh-huh.’

He sighs and sits down on his bed. ‘Alright, at least tell me where you learned the spell. And everything you know about it as well.’

‘Fine.’ I pull my legs up so I’m sitting cross-legged on my bed, facing him. ‘Um. I got it from Penny. I don’t know anything else.’

Baz looks like he’s on the end of his rope. ‘Go talk to her then.’ He hesitates. ‘Then come back here again.’

‘I can’t,’ I say. ‘She’s visiting her family this weekend.’

He heaves another dramatic sigh. ‘Crowley, I hate you.’

He looks up. I look at him, waiting.

‘And…’ He frowns. ‘I definitely don’t want to date you.’

I smirk. ‘Okay, Baz. I don’t feel that way about you either.’

Baz glares at me. Then he looks away. ‘Well? How are we getting rid of this spell?’

‘You’re the smart one,’ I say. ‘What have you got?’

He gives me a long look, then gets up off his bed and takes his wand off the dresser. He points it at his own head.

‘ **Back to start**.’ There’s a short pause. ‘I’ll make sure the merwolves tear you apart.’

‘Nice,’ I say. ‘That was a good one.’

‘ **As you were**.’ He opens his mouth, hesitates, then blurts out, ‘and cats purr.’

I laugh, falling back against the wall. Baz’s expression is as unimpressed as ever, but I swear I see the corner of his mouth twitch.

‘ **Good as new**. And fuck you.’ He sits opposite me again. A lock of hair falls in front of his face, which he brushes back behind his ear. I get distracted for a second watching him.

‘Maybe it needs a specific counter-spell,’ I say.

His eyes flick up to mine. ‘Of course it does. They usually do…’ He opens his mouth and sputters for a second before saying, ‘love.’

I sit up straighter. ‘Did you just call me ‘love’?’

‘Crowley, no,’ Baz spits. ‘It was the only thing that rhymed, Snow.’

‘But you did,’ I say, grinning at him, even as my heartrate picks up. (Just a little.)

He’s blushing. I almost never see Baz blush, even when he’s mad at me. Which is often.

‘Don’t let it go to your head,’ he says. ‘You know how much I wish you were dead.’

I laugh. ‘Whatever you say, Baz.’

He rolls his eyes. ‘Back to the matter at hand. What things about the spell do we need to understand?’

‘Um,’ I say. ‘Well.’ I run a hand through my hair, hesitating, because he’s not going to like this. ‘The spell is **rhyme for all time** , so…’

‘So it won’t disappear if we just wait it out. I’d actually already figured that out,’ he says.

‘I’m sure there _is_ a counter-spell, though,’ I say.

‘It doesn’t sound like more than a common trick, I’m sure there’s a way to get rid of it,’ Baz says.

‘Yeah, but I don’t know what it is. And that didn’t rhyme either.’

‘I’d like to see you try,’ he snarls. ‘You’re more useless than a… fly.’

I bite my lip. ‘If you cast the spell on me, it’ll make it harder for me to talk to Penny and figure out how to free _you_ from it.’

‘I’m not going to cast the spell on you, you’re already useless in your normal state too.’

‘Maybe the person who cast the spell needs to do **back to start**?’ I reach for my wand, next to me on my bed where I dropped it after I cast the spell on him in the first place.

Baz leans forward and snatches it out of my hand.

‘I don’t trust you anywhere near me with this,’ he says. ‘I wouldn’t even trust you with a… kiss.’

I start smiling. ‘Baz…’

He closes his eyes and tips his head back. ‘Crowley,’ he groans. ‘Kill me.’

‘I’m noticing a bit of a theme,’ I say. ‘Is there something you want to tell me?’

He doesn’t respond. His eyes are still closed and his face is scrunched up like he wants to be literally anywhere else but here right now.

My eyes go wide. ‘… _Baz?_ ’

He jerks forward, opening his eyes to glare at me and throwing the wand back in my direction. I blink, and it hits my shoulder and falls to the floor.

‘Crowley, Snow, I don’t have much time, I blurt out the first thing I think of that rhymes.’

I open my mouth to respond, but he’s not done.

‘Let’s not even think about how you would do if the person under the spell was you. We both know you can hardly string together a sentence even under normal circumstances. So I’ll thank you to shut up and stop having a laugh before I take your wand and snap it in half.’

He looks properly furious, more than when I first cast the spell on him. I stare at the floor.

‘Okay,’ I mutter. ‘I was just joking.’

Except… I’m not sure I was. At least, not for a second there.

It was only a second, though. I’m not that much of a dimwit.

There’s a long silence, and then I stand up.

‘I’m gonna go to the library and see if I can find anything out,’ I say.

He doesn’t bother giving me a rhyming answer, just nods his head and turns away.

 

***

 

**BAZ**

I shouldn’t have snapped at him. He was just joking. Obviously. Because it wouldn’t even occur to him that there was any possibility I was being serious.

Not that I was. I mean, I said that I _didn’t_ want to date him, or kiss him. Which was a blatant fucking lie.

Anyway.

There’s a big part of me that likes this. That didn’t want him to leave or go look for the counter-spell. I liked being able to throw insults at him and have him laugh them off like he knows I don’t mean them. I liked that smirk he gave me. I liked seeing him collapse on his bed, barely able to stifle his giggles, peeking up at me with his boring blue eyes.

It didn’t feel like being enemies.

But then I had to go and ruin it by getting defensive and making him leave. And whether or not he solves the spell tonight, he won’t talk to me anymore, Bunce will come back with the counter-spell and everything will go back to normal.

Love. I called him ‘love’. _Crowley_.

I try to do some homework while I wait, but even my written sentences come out in rhymes. I look around at Snow’s side of the room for anything to maim or destroy in retaliation for my frustration, but he has nothing of interest except his wand, which the idiot has left behind. I’m not sure if I should be flattered he trusts me this much, but knowing him he really just forgot it was still on the floor of our room.

I pick it up and put it on his desk.

Then I change my mind and throw it across the room. He should be glad I didn’t chuck it to the merwolves.

I’m never speaking again, not until Snow manages to undo the spell.

Finally, he comes back through the door. I’m at my desk, reading. Or at least trying to read, but really just thinking of that moment when he asked me if there was something I needed to tell him, and I paused, and he said my name. I’m tossing up whether I think he really suspected something in that moment or not, and leaning towards _not_ when the door opens. (He is _extremely_ oblivious.)

I open my mouth to demand what he’s found out, but think better of it.

‘Okay,’ Snow says, closing the door and moving to stand a few steps away from my desk. He crosses his arms, then changes his mind and sticks his hands in his pockets. Then he runs a hand through his hair, shuffling his feet.

I spin my chair around to face him. ‘Go on then, what did you find? Tell me before you drive me out of my mind.’

As if he doesn’t do that every second of his life, just by existing. (He’s infuriating.)

‘I couldn’t find a specific counter-spell, but I did have an idea,’ he says, biting his lip. I try not to focus too much on that.

I raise an eyebrow, prompting him to continue.

‘Well,’ he says. He hesitates. ‘You know that True Love’s Kiss is a counter to almost every spell, at least the simpler ones. Like an override.’

I nod. I won’t risk speaking. Not when love and kisses are the topic of conversation. _Again_.

Snow takes a deep breath. He’s blushing a spectacular shade of red. I want to bite him. Or kiss him. Or both.

‘I don’t – I’m not – I don’t know if you have anyone that…’ He trails off.

‘No,’ I say shortly. ‘Snow.’

_You. Always you._ Except True Love’s Kiss doesn’t work unless the feelings are mutual. So, no.

‘Right,’ he says, nodding. ‘Right. But I thought – I mean, I read something – maybe it will work if the person under the spell kisses the person who cast the spell. Instead of True Love’s Kiss. I don’t know. It’s just an idea.’ He shakes his head. ‘Or not. I don’t know.’

I blink at him. Is he suggesting what I think he’s suggesting?

And… Crowley. _Why?_

He keeps running his hand through his curls, so they stick out in all directions. I could fix that for him. Or I could run my hand through his hair and snog the living daylights out of him and make it so much worse.

He’s still waiting for an answer.

‘Um. Do you – do you want to try it? I just, we can wait for Penny, but –’

‘Okay,’ I try to say. I clear my throat. ‘Go on, Simon.’

His eyes go wide. I guess he wasn’t expecting me to say yes.

He’s always been exceedingly thick.

I don’t stand up. I make him come to me. It was his idea, after all.

He steps in front of my chair, stopping when his knees bump against mine. He bends over me. I’m not expecting him to close his eyes, but he does, his hand brushing my cheek so he can find me.

I close my eyes too.

I expect him to give me a quick peck and go, but he doesn’t. He lingers, his lips on my lips, his fingers curling against the side of my face. It’s exquisite. I want to reach for him, but I know he’s going to pull away. It’s done. It won’t have worked, but it’s done.

He pulls his head back, and I think that’s it, but he kisses me again, quickly, before pulling away. I open my eyes and find him staring at me, biting his lip.

‘Well?’ he says.

I don’t even know what to say.

‘I don’t think the spell’s been broken,’ I say, quietly because it’s all I can manage.

He nods. I stare at his flushed face, at his curls I didn’t get to touch. It takes us both a moment.

‘Or maybe it has,’ I say when I realise.

But that doesn’t make sense.

Because a spell caster kissing their victim to break a spell? No mage, no textbook, no library resource worth anything would ever tell you that. It’s total bullshit. I know that. Every mage knows that. Except maybe Simon Snow.

But surely even he can’t be that thick.

He clears his throat. ‘Oh.’

I nod.

He’s still hovering over me, though he’s backed up enough that we’re no longer touching. ‘Are you – are you sure?’

‘I think so,’ I say. I don’t feel compelled to blurt out anything else. (Though I’m prepared with an ‘I hate you, Snow’ or a ‘you’re useless, now go’ or an ‘I love you, you absolute freak show.’)

His mouth is open. I want to close it for him. With my mouth. But the more he gapes at me, the more I’m starting to think he _isn’t_ as thick as I thought.

‘Baz, I – I should probably tell you something.’

Oh, Crowley.

‘I made that up,’ he says. All I see is blue eyes and stupid unruly bronze curls. ‘The thing about kissing the person who cast the spell. That’s not – it’s not a real thing.’

‘I know,’ I say faintly. ‘I’m not stupid.’

‘ _Oh_ ,’ he says. His eyes have gone wider still. ‘Then why did you…’

‘Because I wanted you to kiss me.’

I just said that out loud. To Simon fucking Snow.

He looks almost the same as when he’s about to go off, only I know it’s not anger or panic that he’s feeling. He looks overwhelmed.

‘Is that why you lied about the counter-spell?’ I ask him. ‘Because you wanted to kiss me? Or because you wanted to see if I would go along with it?’

He shakes his head. ‘No. I mean, the first one.’

‘Ah,’ I say. I don’t know how to ask him to do it again.

‘Does that mean we… it was True Love’s Kiss?’ he says.

I swallow. ‘Maybe,’ I say. ‘If you… feel that way. About me.’

‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘Yeah, I think I do.’

This is so typical, and so Snow. He needed a ridiculous rhyming spell to make him realise his feelings. And then he made up an equally ridiculous counter-spell to test out his theory that I might feel the same way. And he thought I wouldn’t see through it. I’m going to give him hell for that later.

I stand up. ‘Then kiss me, you idiot,’ I say, taking him by the back of his neck.

‘You called me Simon before.’

I stop, my lips almost on his.

‘Only because it rhymed,’ I whisper. Then I kiss him before he can protest.


End file.
